Category Archives: Funny

Ten More Things

1. I once had hives for eighteen months. On my legs, ass, belly, breasts and arms. Occasionally on my face. Oh, did I mention the bottoms of my feet? Yeah. They went away as mysteriously as they appeared.

2. Following the bout of angioedema, I developed sensitivities to wheat and a whole lot of medications, like Ibuprofen and Naproxen. Add that to my mild lactose intolerance which hit like a tsunami when I was pregnant with Miles.
(TMI Fair Warning: If the following gross you out or offend you, don’t come whining to me)

3. When I was pregnant with Jack I developed a yeast infection. Which lasted for seven months.

4. That’s when I started going all bare “down there.”

5. Last year I had a recurrence of crazy yeast infections every month, right after my period, which led to my abandonment of all things tampon and conversion to GladRags™ and my awesome DivaCup™. Not to wax poetic on feminine hygiene products, but ladies, if you’re not squeamish or squirrely about your fluids and you Love Your Mother, think about going green when your red friend visits.

6. Long fingernails (>¼”) gross me out. Seriously. I can observe a bowel resection and have a great time, but when I see nails like that all I can think about are the millions of bacteria breeding underneath them.

7. Apparently I am difficult to please when it comes to smartphones and Macs. I can’t get my versamail to work on my Treo 700p, so I have to check Gmail via Web. Also, there’s no direct online Yahoo IM, Gmail Chat or AIM. You’d think that on Sprint’s EVDO network I should be able to have the same technology that Helio Ocean users get on my (far superior in terms of smartphonedness: mobile apps, touchscreen) Treo. It’s the same network. I don’t want an iPhone until they make them undroppable and with chat apps standard. Apparently the Palm Centro has those things, but I’m worried I’ll just have the same old workarounds when it comes to syncing with my computer. Yeah, yeah, iPhone. But no IM push, plus that whole “intuitive touch screen interface” kinda freaks me out. I like keys. Grrr.

8. It’s partly cos I’m a Mac girl. Sort of tired of “workaround” being standard lingo when dealing with any new toy and my Mac. For serious. And now, just when I’m lusting after a new a) Macbook Air (yeah, right), b) 120GB Mac Mini to DVI/VGA up to my big-assed LCD TV or c) a 13″ Macbook, my 2 year old iBook battery is now holding exactly 45 minutes of charge. So not great.

9. It is almost February, the best month of the year.

10. I found the awesomest assistant/babysitter/wife on Friday. He is 23, dark and slight, with a peacoat and a fauxhawk. I knew we were made for each other when he sat on my couch for his interview and picked up February’s Blueprint magazine, saying, “This is the most hummayzing magazine! I just read this issue on the flight from Europe!” Oh, Dane, we are so perfect together. Please bring me a latte and organize my closet before you pick up the boys from school.

I think I have a houseboy. Even better, he is nubile. Even better, he probably doesn’t want to sleep with me.

Wow, I think maybe I am a little bit creepy.

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Filed under Funny, Girldom, Kids, Stories, Technology, Weirdness

Me. Yoww.

You may already know how I like to adopt different personae when I travel, just to pass the time and make things funny and interesting. It’s like that Vegas commercial except I never lie and tell someone I’m a brain doctor or anything. I just carry a big bag, wear heels and hot clothes and sunglasses and walk like you should know who I am. I even had some tourists take my photo in Midway airport last fall.

What you may not know, and I know I’m hardly alone in this, that I like to make up names for myself at Starbucks. Not like McLovin’ or Supergirl or anything like that, but real, plausible names. Like Terri. Or Wanda.

So, last week I went to Starbucks and ordered my usual¹ and gave the barrista a made-up name that made me giggle inside.

Then today I ran in to get my mom a latte, and the girl was marking with her Sharpie on the cup and said, “Kitty, right?”

“Uh, riiiight.”

So, guess that’s my new name at the Starbucks.

Happy New Year.

¹Grande Nonfat Peppermint Mocha, one pump Peppermint, two pumps Chocolate, No Whip, No Sprinkles.

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Filed under Funny, Stories, Weirdness

No Snow in Africa, Revisited

peterblakecover1.jpg

So, with the recent remarks left by commenters about my attitudes regarding Christmas, I felt like just letting you all know, you know, that I don’t hate Christmas. In fact, Christmas makes me sort of gooey and emo inside. I just don’t appreciate when it’s assumed that I am Christian. That’s it, basically.

Also, I really dig the music. I just don’t think it’s necessary for radio stations to start their “all Christmas, all the time” format on October first. The music, though, man.

Last year I linked the video of Bing and Bowie singing The Little Drummer Boy in a post prompted by my choking up while listening to Band Aid’s “Do They Know it’s Christmas?”

So, you know, relax already. And hit play on the next hummayzing thing I’m gonna show you.

You’re welcome.

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Filed under Funny, Internet, Music

Incurably Romantic. Or Something.

Hah!

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Filed under Blogging, Funny, Music