Category Archives: Stories


Too bad the sound of balloons (or, you know, inflated condoms) rubbing against each other gives me a headache. So cute!


Leave a comment

Filed under Stories

Bitches Ain’t Shit.

Today I was at the soda shop downtown with Jack.

He likes looking at all the vintage Hollywood 8×10’s framed on the wall, pointing out John Wayne and Shirley Temple every time without fail.

A large group of junior high students came barreling into the front door, prompting me to wonder whether I was that irreverent and annoying at fourteen. I felt sorry for the girl behind the counter, who had one sandwich and seven (free) waters to serve. Ugh.

Soon after they entered, Jack and I squeezed past the group and walked outside. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a skinny kid crossing the street with a mop of bright orange hair: shaved on the sides and flopping over one eye. And seriously? This hair was the color of orange that you see in magazine features about “coral” nail polish. Really, really orange. Traffic cone orange.

Thundering steps and a flinging open of the door caused me to reflexively put my arm around Jack’s shoulders and pull him to me. It was three of the kids from inside the shop: Two girls and a guy. The guy called out to the kid crossing the street, “Jason!” The kid stopped, and flashed a peace sign. “Dude, seriously?” yelled the guy, as he turned and walked inside.

“Ugh,” one of the girls said to the other, “it’s so orange. Nice way to memorialize your dead father!”


I mean, SERIOUSLY? Fuck You.

I hate those girls, and I wanted to run to Jason Coral Hair and give him a hug.


Leave a comment

Filed under Parenting, Stories


Ah, Helen Mirren. 63 years old and infinitely hotter than the 20-something deer-in-the-headlights model on the right.

Yay, bikinis!


Leave a comment

Filed under Stories

Up To


I love my coffeemaker. I’m so glad Kelly finally got me to buy it (and it was on sale, so yay.) Also, I got a reusable filter so all you greenies can relax. Pshaw, for serious, did you think I wouldn’t? I recycle. Hell, I compost, bitches. Yay for compostable coffee grounds and yay for coffee in 30 seconds. Yay for the best of both worlds.

Vix and I have decided that, from time to time, repeating something that someone’s just said, but repeating it ghetto is very funny. Like, if I go to Target and my total is 87.13, and the cashier says “your total is 87.13,” I then say, “Aw, yeah, Ehteh-sevuhn-thuh-TAYN! Mmm-hmm…” It’s sort of ridiculous, but it makes laugh and think of ANTM when the models get all up in each other’s faces and heads start to tilt and fingers wag. Because, you know, they’re from the streets and they don’t take disrespect from nobody. Oh, models, you make me smile.

My house is clean and staying that way. I like it. Then I feel guilty because the reason it’s clean is that I’m here without kids. Yesterday I turned on Ben 10-Alien Force just to hear the theme song.

Spanked is out and I received my author’s copies in the mail this week. It is pretty and there’s gonna be a virtual book tour and author interviews, so add it to your feeds.

Kelly comes back from Europe this weekend and will spend many uninterrupted hours here. I am excited about this, and even though I accidentally outed myself (and the blogging thing) to him, he’s sweet and cool and sort of titillated by the whole thing. I sort of can’t wait to get my hands on him. 

So, that’s mostly it. I’m being tres productive and doing some cool stuff. I think I’ll have some more coffee.

1 Comment

Filed under Stories

Ire Land

So, while people seem bent on concerning themselves with everything I do and my mother’s reverted to High Martyrdom, Kelly’s in Dublin on business. We met at a hotel near the airport to have sex before he left. Well, also to kiss and take a shower together and stuuuuuff. Cos it’s fun to have sex in hotels.

Anyway, I gave him a flash drive with music. Cos that’s what he does. He makes me playlists and this was the first time I’d made one for him, and I sort of worried about whether he’d think I was sappy or in luuuv or whatever (WHATEVER), and I thought that maybe I shouldn’t give it to him because now that I listened to it on the drive over, I think maybe it’s cheesy and awful and weird.

It is cheesy, but I give it anyway. It’s a sweet thing to do. As many sweet and goofy gestures as Kelly has done, I am put to shame, and nothing I do with a stupid iTunes mix is going to trump his collection of stunts.

I have never seen High Fidelity (and no, Kelly’s never stood outside my house with a portable stereo), but I think that mix tapes (cds, thumb drives, whatEVER) should tell a story, or at least make sense to somebody, and not just be some random collection of songs that somebody happens to like. So here’s our story, I guess.

I give you a selection from this music I gave this person who has had five sexual relationships in his life and who calls me from his seat while they’re telling people to turn off their portable electronics just to say thanks for the music, SugarPop, I had no idea you liked the Ramones.

First up: Fluorescent Adolescent by The Arctic Monkeys

You used to get it in your fishnets
Now you only get it in your night dress
Discarded all the naughty nights for niceness
Landed in a very common crisis
Everything’s in order in a black hole
Nothing seems as pretty as the past though
That Bloody Mary’s lacking in Tabasco
Remember when he used to be a rascal?

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Fuckbuddies, Stories

O Helen, My Helen!

Is it just me, or does Helen Mirren become ever lovelier with each passing year?


Le Swoon.

Photo via.


Filed under Girldom, Stories

Ten More Things

1. I once had hives for eighteen months. On my legs, ass, belly, breasts and arms. Occasionally on my face. Oh, did I mention the bottoms of my feet? Yeah. They went away as mysteriously as they appeared.

2. Following the bout of angioedema, I developed sensitivities to wheat and a whole lot of medications, like Ibuprofen and Naproxen. Add that to my mild lactose intolerance which hit like a tsunami when I was pregnant with Miles.
(TMI Fair Warning: If the following gross you out or offend you, don’t come whining to me)

3. When I was pregnant with Jack I developed a yeast infection. Which lasted for seven months.

4. That’s when I started going all bare “down there.”

5. Last year I had a recurrence of crazy yeast infections every month, right after my period, which led to my abandonment of all things tampon and conversion to GladRags™ and my awesome DivaCup™. Not to wax poetic on feminine hygiene products, but ladies, if you’re not squeamish or squirrely about your fluids and you Love Your Mother, think about going green when your red friend visits.

6. Long fingernails (>¼”) gross me out. Seriously. I can observe a bowel resection and have a great time, but when I see nails like that all I can think about are the millions of bacteria breeding underneath them.

7. Apparently I am difficult to please when it comes to smartphones and Macs. I can’t get my versamail to work on my Treo 700p, so I have to check Gmail via Web. Also, there’s no direct online Yahoo IM, Gmail Chat or AIM. You’d think that on Sprint’s EVDO network I should be able to have the same technology that Helio Ocean users get on my (far superior in terms of smartphonedness: mobile apps, touchscreen) Treo. It’s the same network. I don’t want an iPhone until they make them undroppable and with chat apps standard. Apparently the Palm Centro has those things, but I’m worried I’ll just have the same old workarounds when it comes to syncing with my computer. Yeah, yeah, iPhone. But no IM push, plus that whole “intuitive touch screen interface” kinda freaks me out. I like keys. Grrr.

8. It’s partly cos I’m a Mac girl. Sort of tired of “workaround” being standard lingo when dealing with any new toy and my Mac. For serious. And now, just when I’m lusting after a new a) Macbook Air (yeah, right), b) 120GB Mac Mini to DVI/VGA up to my big-assed LCD TV or c) a 13″ Macbook, my 2 year old iBook battery is now holding exactly 45 minutes of charge. So not great.

9. It is almost February, the best month of the year.

10. I found the awesomest assistant/babysitter/wife on Friday. He is 23, dark and slight, with a peacoat and a fauxhawk. I knew we were made for each other when he sat on my couch for his interview and picked up February’s Blueprint magazine, saying, “This is the most hummayzing magazine! I just read this issue on the flight from Europe!” Oh, Dane, we are so perfect together. Please bring me a latte and organize my closet before you pick up the boys from school.

I think I have a houseboy. Even better, he is nubile. Even better, he probably doesn’t want to sleep with me.

Wow, I think maybe I am a little bit creepy.

1 Comment

Filed under Funny, Girldom, Kids, Stories, Technology, Weirdness

Me. Yoww.

You may already know how I like to adopt different personae when I travel, just to pass the time and make things funny and interesting. It’s like that Vegas commercial except I never lie and tell someone I’m a brain doctor or anything. I just carry a big bag, wear heels and hot clothes and sunglasses and walk like you should know who I am. I even had some tourists take my photo in Midway airport last fall.

What you may not know, and I know I’m hardly alone in this, that I like to make up names for myself at Starbucks. Not like McLovin’ or Supergirl or anything like that, but real, plausible names. Like Terri. Or Wanda.

So, last week I went to Starbucks and ordered my usual¹ and gave the barrista a made-up name that made me giggle inside.

Then today I ran in to get my mom a latte, and the girl was marking with her Sharpie on the cup and said, “Kitty, right?”

“Uh, riiiight.”

So, guess that’s my new name at the Starbucks.

Happy New Year.

¹Grande Nonfat Peppermint Mocha, one pump Peppermint, two pumps Chocolate, No Whip, No Sprinkles.

1 Comment

Filed under Funny, Stories, Weirdness

Ah, Crap.

Oh my dog, I am such a sap.

I just ordered the DVD.


Filed under Stories, Uncategorized


Yesterday I spent the afternoon walking to the boys’ school, making soup with Jack’s class, having a conference with Miles’ Language Arts teacher, who wants to move him into his own advanced reading group (I am wary of this, having been my own reading group in sixth grade and feeling alienated and wishing I hadn’t done so well on those stupid tests.), and walking home with Jack, who didn’t feel like staying for afterschool club.

On the way home, the mechanic called to say my car was ready to be picked up. But, you know, I didn’t have a car to get myself there. I had a brilliant idea: Jack and I could ride the bus.

We don’t live in a huge city, and public transportation is still the subject of television promotions to Save Money and Ride! The kids have been fascinated with the bus for a couple years now, but we’ve never ridden. I decided that this was the time.

Never has a child had so much fun. He also figured out how to read the map, deciphering the little arrows and different colored routes. He also is young enough to ride for free.

And of course it took longer to reach our destination, and it doesn’t go exactly where I need to go, and I live in a neighborhood which has most of the services I need within walking distance anyway, but after shelling out $650.00 on car repairs, I’m hanging onto this bus schedule.

And my kid can tell me which line to take.

Leave a comment

Filed under Cars, Kids, Stories