Category Archives: Weirdness

Strange Bedfellows

I’m at my parents’ house, organizing their media cabinet. This just surfaced: one VHS tape with my mother’s impeccable writing on the label,

January 28, 1986 – Shuttle Challenger Explosion (Ends 4382)

Then, in marker, in the scrawling penmanship of a 14-year old boy,

SKATE CELEBRITIES! 

Yikes.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Weirdness

Fairly Odd Parents Don’t Get Sick

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself as I maniacally wash and sanitize my hands, and then pick up wads of tissue from the floor and tables. Seriously, Miles just walked from the living room to the dining room where I’m sitting just to toss a used tissue onto the table. I looked at him like he was tossing a kitten into a vat of boiling oil.

“Uh-uh, man, no WAY.”

He grinned sheepishly. He knows where he should put the snotty ones. And forgive my overreaction, as I am just as guilty of hoarding used tissues next to me in bed, or possibly on the nightstand when I am sick. But this one got up, walked fifteen feet and elected to place the wad just shy of the waste basket I use when I pay bills.

Miles is basically better, save for the head cold and gunk in his chest. Yay for neti pots; hopefully this won’t turn into a sinus infection.

Jack, on the other hand, is just on his second day of being feverish and developing a rattly cough.

Yesterday I bought Lego Star Wars II at Target.

In my ultimate fantasy, one or both children will either play it or sleep today so that a) I can get some writing done and b) I don’t have to listen to Cosmo & Wanda any. damn. more.

fairly-odd-parents.jpg

Leave a comment

Filed under Kids, Parenting, Weirdness

Ten More Things

1. I once had hives for eighteen months. On my legs, ass, belly, breasts and arms. Occasionally on my face. Oh, did I mention the bottoms of my feet? Yeah. They went away as mysteriously as they appeared.

2. Following the bout of angioedema, I developed sensitivities to wheat and a whole lot of medications, like Ibuprofen and Naproxen. Add that to my mild lactose intolerance which hit like a tsunami when I was pregnant with Miles.
(TMI Fair Warning: If the following gross you out or offend you, don’t come whining to me)

3. When I was pregnant with Jack I developed a yeast infection. Which lasted for seven months.

4. That’s when I started going all bare “down there.”

5. Last year I had a recurrence of crazy yeast infections every month, right after my period, which led to my abandonment of all things tampon and conversion to GladRags™ and my awesome DivaCup™. Not to wax poetic on feminine hygiene products, but ladies, if you’re not squeamish or squirrely about your fluids and you Love Your Mother, think about going green when your red friend visits.

6. Long fingernails (>¼”) gross me out. Seriously. I can observe a bowel resection and have a great time, but when I see nails like that all I can think about are the millions of bacteria breeding underneath them.

7. Apparently I am difficult to please when it comes to smartphones and Macs. I can’t get my versamail to work on my Treo 700p, so I have to check Gmail via Web. Also, there’s no direct online Yahoo IM, Gmail Chat or AIM. You’d think that on Sprint’s EVDO network I should be able to have the same technology that Helio Ocean users get on my (far superior in terms of smartphonedness: mobile apps, touchscreen) Treo. It’s the same network. I don’t want an iPhone until they make them undroppable and with chat apps standard. Apparently the Palm Centro has those things, but I’m worried I’ll just have the same old workarounds when it comes to syncing with my computer. Yeah, yeah, iPhone. But no IM push, plus that whole “intuitive touch screen interface” kinda freaks me out. I like keys. Grrr.

8. It’s partly cos I’m a Mac girl. Sort of tired of “workaround” being standard lingo when dealing with any new toy and my Mac. For serious. And now, just when I’m lusting after a new a) Macbook Air (yeah, right), b) 120GB Mac Mini to DVI/VGA up to my big-assed LCD TV or c) a 13″ Macbook, my 2 year old iBook battery is now holding exactly 45 minutes of charge. So not great.

9. It is almost February, the best month of the year.

10. I found the awesomest assistant/babysitter/wife on Friday. He is 23, dark and slight, with a peacoat and a fauxhawk. I knew we were made for each other when he sat on my couch for his interview and picked up February’s Blueprint magazine, saying, “This is the most hummayzing magazine! I just read this issue on the flight from Europe!” Oh, Dane, we are so perfect together. Please bring me a latte and organize my closet before you pick up the boys from school.

I think I have a houseboy. Even better, he is nubile. Even better, he probably doesn’t want to sleep with me.

Wow, I think maybe I am a little bit creepy.

1 Comment

Filed under Funny, Girldom, Kids, Stories, Technology, Weirdness

Me. Yoww.

You may already know how I like to adopt different personae when I travel, just to pass the time and make things funny and interesting. It’s like that Vegas commercial except I never lie and tell someone I’m a brain doctor or anything. I just carry a big bag, wear heels and hot clothes and sunglasses and walk like you should know who I am. I even had some tourists take my photo in Midway airport last fall.

What you may not know, and I know I’m hardly alone in this, that I like to make up names for myself at Starbucks. Not like McLovin’ or Supergirl or anything like that, but real, plausible names. Like Terri. Or Wanda.

So, last week I went to Starbucks and ordered my usual¹ and gave the barrista a made-up name that made me giggle inside.

Then today I ran in to get my mom a latte, and the girl was marking with her Sharpie on the cup and said, “Kitty, right?”

“Uh, riiiight.”

So, guess that’s my new name at the Starbucks.

Happy New Year.

¹Grande Nonfat Peppermint Mocha, one pump Peppermint, two pumps Chocolate, No Whip, No Sprinkles.

1 Comment

Filed under Funny, Stories, Weirdness

so, pretty much a waste of a week. last monday I had the whole oral surgery thing, then just as I was coming out of it on thursday, the stomach virus hit, resulting in day-long pukage. then this monday a nasty fight with one of my brothers (more on that later), followed promptly by a raging UTI.

stress much? sheesh.

so I looked and discovered that mars is going into retrograde for a few months. brilliant.

slow down and get used to the crazy, folks.

coming up: check out my latest decision to be a grownup and tell my brother exactly what I think of him.

2 Comments

Filed under Freaking Out, Frustration, Weirdness

Seven Things

1. Jack and I spent three hours in the ER last Sunday getting his chin stitched up after he smashed his face into the jungle gym. It was Power Ranger related.

2. My mom the nurse is taking the stitches out today. In a couple hours.

3. The boys are with their dad and stepmother and new* baby brother at the hotel.

4. I am too hungover for the work I have to do this weekend and next week. Projects loom. Big projects. Huge.

5. Coffee is good.

6a. My children’s stepmother is, while a bit overly protective of her son, a nice person.

6b. My ex is a dumbass who brushed his fingers down my arm in that weird way when we were alone and loading things in at the trunk of the car.

7. Ew.

* The baby is almost a year old, but this is the first time they’ve seen him

1 Comment

Filed under Divorce, Freaking Out, Kids, Parenting, Stories, Weirdness

Alrighty, Bruce

Wow, this morning I woke up from a dream in which I was kneeling in front of Bruce Willis (wtf?). Not the blond, Fifth Element Bruce, but the bald, infinitely hotter and sweaty Armageddon one.

Again I say, WTF?

Right, so he was naked and maybe so was I, and it was clear that I was about to blow him, and as I licked my way down past his balls, I flicked his ass with my tongue and he totally freaked out. Not in the good way. Like, maybe he cried or something.
The End.

1 Comment

Filed under Dreams, sex, Stories, Weirdness